adapted from The Star Thrower
by Loren Eiseley (1907 – 1977)

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out “Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?”

The young man paused, looked up, and replied “Throwing starfish into the ocean.”

“I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?” asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, “The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them in, they’ll die.”

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, “But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can’t possibly make a difference!”

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, “It made a difference for that one.”

“Yeah, my dad rides a motorcycle to work.”

“My great, great uncle invented post it notes”

“I visited the moon one time.”

 Yep, they lie about stupid, stupid stuff.  When you get married, you don’t want to be lied to.  Here I am, catching my husband in a stupid lie:

 “Did you ever email that guy.”

“Yeah, I did it this morning.”

“Great.  What all did you say?”

“I just kept it short and sweet.  I asked about the issue.  So now I’m just waiting on him.”

 So, I know that my husband NEVER checks his email.  I actually set up the account for him so he would have an email.  So I go log in to see if the guy ever replied.  (I really need to know this man’s response because it affects our finances.)  I open it up to see he didn’t reply.  I am about to hit the X, but then something triggers me.  I check the “sent” folder.  He never even sent the email.  He has only sent one email since December and it is a reply to a woman I don’t know wishing her a happy new year.

 What?

 It is impossible to move on and let go when someone lies to your face.  And seriously, if he would have said that he didn’t send the email, what would I have done?  Given him the “stank eye”…that’s about it.  Maybe I would have asked him to do that.  I am far from a mean person.  I don’t nag or gripe, so why did he choose to lie?  I don’t understand, but here’s our two steps backward.

“You’re there.  You’re at your low right now, but this is where you have to get so that you can start rebuilding.  It’s only up from here. It will only get better.”

It made me think of when people build houses where old homes once stood.  They have to knock it to the ground and clean up the rubble before they can build their dream home.  Building the home itself is a whole other process.

Remember if you are standing in the rubble that it is a necessary part in the process.  You have to be there to have the mansion later.  Hang in there.

We were sitting in front of two friends of ours. A couple that had recently came back to the church after a hiatus. I had to hold my tongue.

After all he had put his family through in the last 6 months how dare he speak to anyone on issues of faith and God? Have I not been the one holding everything spiritually and financially stable for a while now? Am I not the one left trying to clean up the mess he made?

Saying that we are far from perfect was quite and understatement.

I don’t doubt he had spoken to God several times over the last year; when a big hand had come up that would erase his gambling created debt. Maybe he made prayers that his boss wouldn’t figure out where the missing money had gone. Come to think of it, I’m sure he and God had spoken some. I catch myself biting my tongue a lot. I have to remind myself that we all mess up. Jesus loves screw ups. In them he best shows his transformative ways. Look at Saul, the murderer. But then again, I would have loved to hear what Saul’s family said when he came home and said God told him to be a good guy. I don’t think they had the Christian neighbors over for dinner the next night, do you?

Sanctification is a process and last time I checked, I’m sure not Christ. I balance the precarious line of forgiving but not forgetting. I want to allow my husband to grow and transform back into the man that I married only better. Until then, I wait and watch.

Think about that for a second.  So they do it, knowing that they are most likely going to come out in the negative, but they can’t resist the chance of winning big.  So they throw it all away.

I could get real analytical on this one, talking about family situations, or careers, but I’ll let you ponder on it and your own life for a minute.

Everyday I learn more about this sickness and it always leaves me feeling so sad for someone I love so much.  He almost lost me in a crying call.

Until tomorrow,

Kate

“Yeah, I like him a little.”

I smiled at my friend.  It was a well known fact that I had what everyone viewed as the “best marriage” out there.  This day I had come home to a clean house, a love letter on the table, and everything set up for my night with the girls.  We had a pretty awesome life.  We were young, had a great apartment in the city, a cute dog, and no kids.  It was a pretty carefree life.

When I think of all the changes that occurred shortly after, this little conversation with my friend always comes to my mind.  It is ironic how suddenly your life can change.

The next night I found out.

My amazing husband had been gambling…a lot.

And he had a problem.

To feed his addiction, and so that I never knew, he embezzled thousands of dollars from his company.

So here we are, married a little over a year with more debt than most people accrue in process of getting their degree.

We don’t own a home.  We have hand me down furniture.  We have nothing of real value to sell.

Hell-we barely meet our bills in our cute city apartment, but we had everything we needed.

And yeah, he definitely had lost his job at the point he chose to tell me.

That’s how everything started but there are so many layers to this disease and this process of healing for myself and our family.  Our story began here, but it didn’t end here.  We’re still married and, on most days, very happy.

I wanted to create this blog to help other women like me.  I went searching for resources.  I wanted to be able to talk to someone who wouldn’t judge me.  I wanted to someone to say that it would be okay.  I wanted to be told that this didn’t mean the end of my marriage.  I wanted to create that support for someone out there.

So, dear world, if you’re out there reading.  I empathize, you will get through this, and your marriage can survive.  It’s going to be okay.

Until tomorrow,

Kate